Well I spent a lovely restful 22 hours in hospital this last week, restful if you consider lying vertical in a bustling emergency department restful !
Thankfully it was nothing more than the consequence of the growing blackness inside, fixed with a good dose of drugs, I was sent home for a few days of recovery before returning to another hospital for a 2 day visit with complementary overnight room sharing and pitched midnight snoring tones.
Not that I am complaining, the health care system in Australia has to beat any 3rd world country hands down, and I am eternally grateful for the amazing doctors and nurses that we have here and the wonderful job that they do to look after us.
But lets be honest no one likes to go into hospital. My overnight stay was at the Epworth in Richmond, Exploratory surgery to take a look at the blackness and work out a plan of attack.
According to my Doctor, there was plenty of blackness to be found, and he took samples and photos just to be sure.
Next Wednesday is the big day, another trip into Richmond and finally an action plan from my extremely qualified Professor MD. along with all the histology results from the samples he took.
It will be the end of 8 months of confusion and disillusion, searching and seeking out.
Its hard when you have such a rare cancer that no one else knows anything about, even the doctors in emergency at the Angliss had never heard of it, it was kinda funny, you know; like when you have the plague, and all of a sudden no one touches you just incase they catch it, well I had that moment, its the most hands off I have ever experienced in an emergency department, because they didn’t know anything about WDPM they didn’t want to risk doing anything, except administer pain relief which I was most thankful for, note to self for next time, don’t be brave and stay awake to talk and keep your mother company, enjoy the float away feeling and close your eyes!
So only a few more days to go and I will have a surgical plan for my cancer, deep down I already know what he is going to say, maybe this is why God allowed my Cancer to be found so early, because He knew it would take me this long to even believe that there was anything wrong with me.
Friday night in the Angliss reminded me sharply that there really was something seriously wrong with me, but when the pain went away so did the belief.
There is no getting away from this surgery though, when its done I feel like I will be opening hell’s gates and silently between you and me I just don’t know how brave I will be then, I know it will break me a little, I hope it won’t break me a lot and I am praying; actually that is not entirely true.
I haven’t been praying much lately, thinking a lot; maybe this is my testing ground? this is my cross to bear? did I somehow do something to deserve this? but I know God is not like that, and I know God HATES Cancer and all manner of illness, it is not His wish for us to suffer, but in all of this I feel short changed. I was supposed to be getting on with my life, developing and exploring my artistic career, now all I seem to do is attend doctors appointments and try out hospital beds!
Sorry for the whinge, I’m usually a pretty positive person and if you knew me you would probably tell me to “get over myself”. I’ve sat with this for 5 days now, only a couple more sleeps to go.